This only gets better. There are a few things I really enjoyed in that piece. Firstly, the doubts of their faith, whether the power comes from devil of from God. Secondly, a moral dillema that is posed for father and the daughter, heart and hurt and who should take it. And how a transfer of hurt was not complete, which makes me wonder why. Great work!
We begin to get more detailed explanations of his powers in each of the next several chapters. I’m trying to roll out the exposition without doing info dumps, which means it comes in drips.
Leaving the decision to the little girl? The dying little girl? Brilliant. Everyone else in the room is talking about religion, faith, responsibility, morality, etc., and her deduction is 'heart' and 'hurt.' That will get you all in the feels. She definitely understands the assignment better than they do, in my opinion.
And "it's one girl today." Yep, killer line. It does and says it all. He knows what path his brother is going down, or has gone down? I get he doesn't want his brother to destroy himself, but I mean, it's a little girl! But it does make the opening click for me.
I like that no one is completely right. The father wants his daughter to live, the brother doesn't want his brother to destroy himself, and he's essentially trying to do the right thing. But is it, though? Good question to ask. I'm sure we'll get that answer a little further down the road.
And the little girl wants those extra years so badly she'll give up chopsticks!!!! Terrible, David. Just terrible. Nice freaking job.
And then you lighten it up a little bit with the goshdarn hospital exit... I had a very good laugh at that. Followed up by his finger, which has me a bit worried. Was it all supposed to be fine afterward?
-“I’ll make your backside glow if you don’t SIT DOWN.- the way you just put the parallel there is phenomenal. First we have the child whose voice is heard, respected. Treated like a person. Then we are given the mirror. Children should be seen not heard mentality. And you do it so casually, it reflected the normalization of the phenomenon so accurately. I know there is a thousand different things about this article to talk about, but this, from my personal life experience is what speaks to me. The magic, the healing, the religious commentary, I see it all. But giving people who lack a voice or are made quiet... Especially children, you paint it right here.
That isn't to say the world building, the motifs of the story are not amazing. But what speaks to my soul was you giving that girl a voice, and showing how easily people take away another's voice.
This is amazing; the found family here is killing me. In a good way. People weren't kidding me that if I was working on found family, you were definitely the one to keep an eye on. I am trying to not cry cause my other half always knows I am about to get emotional. But this hit so hard. Sick children always know what they are giving up; it's like they lived before, their souls are older than the body they are living in currently. I think she is going to do great; she has a heart of gold already, even before it was healed. I understand, as a parent, if someone offered to heal my daughter's heart, I'd be worried about what my daughter is going to give up to be healed.
Really digging how your building the story. Interesting that he can keep part of the hurt for himself. I like the intro of the brother character… and the tension between them. 👍🏾
This only gets better. There are a few things I really enjoyed in that piece. Firstly, the doubts of their faith, whether the power comes from devil of from God. Secondly, a moral dillema that is posed for father and the daughter, heart and hurt and who should take it. And how a transfer of hurt was not complete, which makes me wonder why. Great work!
Thank you Kostia!
We begin to get more detailed explanations of his powers in each of the next several chapters. I’m trying to roll out the exposition without doing info dumps, which means it comes in drips.
Jesus, this was freaking good.
Leaving the decision to the little girl? The dying little girl? Brilliant. Everyone else in the room is talking about religion, faith, responsibility, morality, etc., and her deduction is 'heart' and 'hurt.' That will get you all in the feels. She definitely understands the assignment better than they do, in my opinion.
And "it's one girl today." Yep, killer line. It does and says it all. He knows what path his brother is going down, or has gone down? I get he doesn't want his brother to destroy himself, but I mean, it's a little girl! But it does make the opening click for me.
I like that no one is completely right. The father wants his daughter to live, the brother doesn't want his brother to destroy himself, and he's essentially trying to do the right thing. But is it, though? Good question to ask. I'm sure we'll get that answer a little further down the road.
And the little girl wants those extra years so badly she'll give up chopsticks!!!! Terrible, David. Just terrible. Nice freaking job.
And then you lighten it up a little bit with the goshdarn hospital exit... I had a very good laugh at that. Followed up by his finger, which has me a bit worried. Was it all supposed to be fine afterward?
Thanks Eris.
And did she lose Chopsticks? You think Ink would do that to her?
Ink's damaged finger, the one he kept - its the index.
Haha makes sense now, lol.
-“I’ll make your backside glow if you don’t SIT DOWN.- the way you just put the parallel there is phenomenal. First we have the child whose voice is heard, respected. Treated like a person. Then we are given the mirror. Children should be seen not heard mentality. And you do it so casually, it reflected the normalization of the phenomenon so accurately. I know there is a thousand different things about this article to talk about, but this, from my personal life experience is what speaks to me. The magic, the healing, the religious commentary, I see it all. But giving people who lack a voice or are made quiet... Especially children, you paint it right here.
That isn't to say the world building, the motifs of the story are not amazing. But what speaks to my soul was you giving that girl a voice, and showing how easily people take away another's voice.
I’m glad you enjoyed the parallel between Allison and Jamal and how they were treated.
This is amazing; the found family here is killing me. In a good way. People weren't kidding me that if I was working on found family, you were definitely the one to keep an eye on. I am trying to not cry cause my other half always knows I am about to get emotional. But this hit so hard. Sick children always know what they are giving up; it's like they lived before, their souls are older than the body they are living in currently. I think she is going to do great; she has a heart of gold already, even before it was healed. I understand, as a parent, if someone offered to heal my daughter's heart, I'd be worried about what my daughter is going to give up to be healed.
Thank you Lutherin! :)
The found family dynamic takes off next chapter with the introduction of Anje. Hope you like her. :)
Oh, I already know I will be loving her, there's just no doubt about that
I hope so. I don't think you'll like Mathild though.
Very few people like Mathid...
Hmm, I do like characters that give me the love/hate. I know I am weird
Really digging how your building the story. Interesting that he can keep part of the hurt for himself. I like the intro of the brother character… and the tension between them. 👍🏾
Thank you terence. You get to meet two more interesting character in Flash #3
hehehe nice end to the chapter, and glory to the finger, hehehe
Cheers. Thanks for reading all three chapters!
its good and the length of each chapter is just right, not too long and not too short, thumbs up
Glad it worked for you. I’m trying to figure out how to do serial fiction that works on substack. 2k words seems to be a sweetspot.